I Am Dying..............................

 I Am Dying...................

It's been a while I was in a phase maybe still I am , where I lost myself. I didn't knew what was happening to me , I was not feeling well emotionally , mentally and physically , I didn't had any motivation to get off my bed , I had social anxiety , I tried to hurt myself just to feel something , I couldn't cry even if I wanted to , I was not able to breath when I was around people , I was sick for days cause maybe my mind and body never wanted to heal , I was sacred of people cause I knew they are gonna hurt me eventually , I stopped talking to my friends cause they thought it was fun if someone is not well mentally , I was not scared of death at all , I couldn't sleep for days even after taking pills , I just couldn't do anything , I was scared to be loved cause I thought they are gonna use me just like everyone did and then leave me , I lost very beautiful people from my life cause of that , I was basically dead from inside . 

You know it takes a lot to put yourself out there and when people make fun of it you just stop believing in yourself , many of my friends stopped doing what they love , someone stopped cooking cause then they are not actual 'BOYS' for their classmates , someone stopped applying nail polish cause its to 'GIRLY' , a girl stopped wearing comfortable clothes which she liked cause she always have to look attractive , I was about to stop writing cause people doesn't respected me cause of my writing . We make boundaries for ourself , we are afraid that something is wrong with us , we start disliking ourself , we don't know what to do. Many people don't speak out loud their mental trauma cause they think something is wrong with them but my friend, you don't need approval of people , you are the main character of your own story and sometimes it's ok to fail but giving up is not an option . I still try to build myself again no matter how many times I am broken , I do social interactions , ya sometimes I am breathless around people but I try to heal myself and go back their again . Last time I had someone who healed me , who took care of me , who was their to boost me up , who made me believe  in myself and I am grateful for that but every time I can't expect someone to come and heal me again . We all wait for something to happen but we don't try enough for ourself . I know it's difficult but we can make it . and to the bullies (Friends) I respect humor and fun but theirs a limit for it . And I know that you make someone else's fun just to forget and distract yourself from your insecurities . I the end I am just gonna say it doesn't matter how many times I am broke 

      'I will try to try my best'

-LD